The Poetry

Grandmother was crazy, crazy and flying, or drunk, in hiding
or that was the hope, to keep her home,
but no one tried keep her secret
Crazy isn’t quiet

There’s always a name
for what we are

To be kinder than crazy, absolve family fault
let’s not be Insane
We’ll be more comfortably
mentally ill, awaiting a cure
If ill we can be waiting for saving

Mania is a craze, a mad passion, at worst an obsession, but
manic is insanity with clarity of purpose as a weapon
Depression, the place heavy leaves when lifted
as depressed is trapped by the weight of all light having gone
a name with weight and no better
Manic depression is only crazy in clinical mode

We evolve, to more palatable
bipolar
disorder
and who isn’t laughing at two points opposing, how orderly two armies must be
to be so marching
instead of the chaos that erupts in havoc’s rapture, floods of light, sometimes
trapped, but not captured, and not kept, never kept longer
than the dark can swallow,
they are destined to follow
Disorder is kinder than ill

It’s what we are, what we have
what we learn to take
a pill to sleep, to wake
cycles upon cycles
but lower;
the weighted average flows lower

So when we sit and the doctor explains medicine to my child, my child—
God no
I should marshal manic armies, almighty fighting
screaming no, crying no, wailing, ranting, raving, giving into
no, and No, no
slipping under the weight
of no

I am still,

one more of us named.
Lord help me,
I have put what we are
in my child’s soul.

shh, don’t tell
it never goes well

Most days move as they do
in the houses you pass
They work, come home
do the routine
they find their beds

Most days move as they should
but sometimes don’t
They know that they won’t
and when days fall or fly
they’ve learned what to do
what to take
who to call

and not to tell you

Everyone knows a someone
whose mind is singing
too high, too low, in too many voices
but makes an art
of finding the tune
or the harmony

You know someone
but not who,
they know not to tell you

Could you let your child be with
the mom with a mistrusted mind
although she’s been boring, normal
the doubt is seducing
you know, you know
no proof is enough
Once you know
nothing changes
and everything does

and so, they know
not to tell you

in a panic nothing’s
static to stand on hands
or toe a ledge.
toss the thought of legs
and torso or even more so
a sturdy chair from which to fall
and land on knees
which know to beg.

say your prayers in bold
hysterics, laughing past
the point of dread.
shred the truth you gave
or told to, even sold to
lovers dark and manic maimed
with well-worn words
you fear but save.

fall with purpose
be an art form, tragic shades
of standard themes.
break your fall on me
who hides here, even thrives here
now you know, it breaks apart
the settled lie
that we do seem

The dark is peace
the circle small
the world is close
I touch it all

Leaving the light
what should I fear
What is the truth
the night makes clear

Forgive the day
the lie it is
the all we claim
to be within

The dark knows less
than one am I
my hold is weak
my time is finite

The dark is peace
Night knows its place
Let us live lies,
the dark will wait

I want to know
where you go when you’re gone,
when you’re less than half here
and I want you whole home

Where do you go?

Does the time move more quickly,
more slowly, more brightly
is the light more inviting
the people exciting
where do you go to be whole
and who or what holds you there?

Let me hold you
while we ride out the night
then we’ll do what we have done
We’ll go on

I am the beast
who tore this home
roamed the halls
stalked your children

I shed promise
shattered trust
and played with the pieces
I lied and smiled

I cannot be forgiven

I see you ablaze
raging against hope
a fire-storm, elated
with destruction

this is you
and not you
hear me, hear me
I can see you well

I don’t want you
today, but stay
this is our crucible
we are forged

I will forgive you
not today, but stay
I will forgive you

I cannot be forgiven
I will forgive you,
we are forged
in forgiving

this is my love
stay

The Antidepressants
Got a diagnosis? The drugs are next
You’ll get one, two, four, six
No one knows what works for who
It’s trial by error,
and error

Celexa
Prozac
Nardil
Welbutrin
May Cause:
Nausea, insomnia, tremors and sedation
Dry mouth, sweating, headaches, constipation
Blurred vision, jitters, sexual missfunction
Alcohol and caffeine increase the bad to worse

The Antipsychotics
and Mood Stabilizers
Halidol
Seroquel
Lamictal
Zyprexa
may cause
Vomiting, nausea, weight gain, diabetes
dizziness, drowsiness, a rash that could be serious
Cross effects with other central nervous system medications (and no one takes just one)
Alcohol and caffeine increase the bad to worse

The Queen Mother
Lithium
Lithium
Lithium
may cause:
Dizziness, Confusion, tremors, all embarrassing
nausea, vomiting, inescapable weight gain
Long term use can cause kidney dysfunction (welcome to semi-annual blood testing)
Alcohol and caffeine will increase the bad to worse

The Alternative
No Meds
Lose your job, lose your house, lose your kids, lose your spouse
Lose most everyone who ever trusted you
And
Alcohol and caffeine increase the bad to worse

this is the way to be pleasing
measure time and light
to see days repeat
with solid sleep as mark between.

and yet,
I’m blind
I’m bound
complicit in
a mind mid-drown

this is where the lies lie
past catastrophes
under the terms of surrender
where I smile, I’m fine

and yet,
deities still sing
my fingers
to their weaving

this is the list of needs to be
for the you or they
who loved without leaving
begging repent without reprise

and yet
sirens scream
fire fed be
breathe chaos deep

this is the cost I know alone
when God calls, calls, calls and calls
don’t go
to the call, be lost

this is the way to be
to seem, meet needs,
consent to days repeat
even if unknown
unseen
I lose my mind

and yet,
let the lie lie
I’m fine

tell me your story

it was long ago
it wasn’t often
they didn’t know
it hurt me
it mattered
it never ended

my cutting doesn’t bleed, it begs
see me

my terrors hold me to nightly dying
see me

the panic takes till the panic breaks
me horrified
see me

laughter loves a catastrophe
I’m hilarious
see me

See me
Open your eyes, see me fighting
0pen your mind to the war that’s raging in mine
Know, it’s a war I’m still willing to win

See me, please
I am still here

Silence is the song of loss,
the lyric of despair
Silence bathes love in sadness,
destroys hope with fear

Your life, the instrument you play
Is trapped behind this silence
You have a song, let it be heard
Let me help you break free

We will dress our words in wonder,
strike a rhythm, take a chance
If you can’t walk this path
take my hand and we will dance

Leave the silence holding you;
let life be your choice
Bring the world your own true self
Lift up your voice